A little while ago, I was teaching a graduate course in Leadership. Class started at 9:00 am, and once the students settled in their seats, I noticed that one of the students sitting in the back row looked very tired. A few minutes later, he started nodding off. And then he fell asleep. IN MY CLASS! It so happened that the topic that I was planning to cover in class on that day was about professionalism and executive presence!

I was so upset: what is wrong with this guy? why can’t he stay awake? My blood starts boiling. I start making up negative stories in my head: he must have been partying all night, that’s why he is so tired. Clearly this guy was at a rave until 3 a.m.

I want to kick him out of class. I want to make a lesson of him and send a message to all the students. But before I could do it, he stands up, and he leaves he classroom. Good riddance, I think to myself!

A few minutes later, he comes back to the classroom appearing a bit more alive and holding a big cup of coffee. For the rest of class session, he is actually alert and he pays attention. So I let it go.

After the class is over, he comes to talk to me and says: “You probably noticed that I was a little tired at the beginning of class today”. A little?

Then he explains that he is not getting enough sleep because he has been having financial difficulties. He was already waiting tables at night but it wasn’t enough, so had to take another job in the morning. The only thing that was available was the morning shift at Home Depot from 4:00-8:00 am. So for the last few weeks, he waits tables at nights, gets a couple of hours of sleep, and then goes to his morning job. And then he comes to class at 9:00 am. I was shocked and embarrassed. Nothing humbles you faster than discovering that the person you judged is actually working harder than you are.

I had assumed laziness. The reality was hard work. I had assumed disrespect. The reality was resilience. I had assumed negative intent, when the truth was he was doing everything he could just to survive.

As a leader, how many times have you made similar snap judgements about others? I have been studying organizations and working with leaders for the last 25 years. And I have seen so many leaders fall in the same trap that I fell in. They observe a behavior, they make up a negative story, and they assume negative intent.

We do this all the time: Someone misses a deadline: ‘They don’t care.’ Someone is quiet in a meeting: ‘They’re disengaged.’ Someone seems frustrated with a new project: ‘Bad attitude.’ But we rarely stop to ask: ‘What might I not know yet?’

Leadership would be so much easier if people came with labels or subtitles. Imagine walking into work and underneath everyone’s name it said:

• ‘Slept 3 hours.’
• ‘Taking care of a sick parent.’
• ‘Going through divorce.’

But instead, we get only behaviors… and then we invent stories.

Think about someone at work who frustrates you right now. Now ask yourself: “What might be true about their life that I simply cannot see?” Most behaviors would make sense once you know the story behind them. People are rarely difficult for no reason. There’s usually a story you haven’t heard yet.

The best leaders are not the ones who judge fastest. They’re the ones who stay curious the longest. They give the benefit of the doubt and they assume positive intent.

Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Leadership Keynote Speaker, Professor, Executive Coach and Author of five books. His most recent book is “The Positive Intent Mindset“. He can be found at www.amerkaissi.com