Welcome to the Monthly Newsletter by Amer Kaissi 

Edition #39, February 2023

A large chunk of my coaching in the last few months has focused on helping leaders establish boundaries with their bosses, colleagues, team members & family & friends. Very few people know how to establish boundaries in these important relationships, and most avoid doing it due to the discomfort associated with it.

The “Book of Boundaries” by Melissa Urban is a much-needed guidebook for everyone, and especially for leaders. The main lesson I learned from it is that boundaries are not about other people’s behaviors, they are about our own behaviors. If a family member repeatedly smokes in my house despite me clearly explaining that it harms me, then establishing a boundary is not about asking them to quit smoking all together. It’s about telling them that I will not tolerate smoking in my house, and if they insist on doing it, that I won’t invite them to my house again.

The same line of thinking applies to all types of relationships. “You’re not being mean when you set boundaries, you’re being kind—to yourself and your relationships,” notes Urban. “But that doesn’t mean they’re not uncomfortable. Any conflict can be uncomfortable. . .“  It builds on Brené Brown’s idea that clear is kind. Therefore, the ideal boundary is direct and not up for interpretation. When we are done setting the boundary, the other person knows exactly where the limit is, how to avoid crossing it, and the consequences of doing so.

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Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Top Leadership Keynote Speaker. He speaks about leadership, teams and culture.