In my article last month, I discussed how jerks use personal insults, invade others’ personal territory and use verbal and non-verbal threats and intimidation. They use sarcastic jokes and teasing, write withering e-mail flames, engage in public shaming, rudely interrupt others and treat them as if they are invisible. They wreak havoc on their co-workers’ job satisfaction, mental health and productivity and in the process drive their organizations to the ground.

What to do if you have to work with a jerk and have no option but to interact with them on a daily basis?

Here are a two strategies that might work:

Strategy #1: Soothe  

Instead of escalating your boss’s anxiety over what he perceives as your incompetence, this strategy focuses on soothing him to reduce the possibility that he perceives you as a threat.

Consider this scenario:

Raj is on his way to the break room to get some coffee, and he runs across Jan- his abrasive boss.

Jan: Where the hell are those cost-analysis numbers?

Raj: I don’t have them yet….

Jan: What do you mean “you don’t have them yet?” Do you understand how serious this is? What do I have to do to get everyone in this place to do their job?

Raj: ….

Jan storms off to her office.

To apply the “Sooth Strategy” to this situation, Raj goes to see Jan in her office a little while later:

Raj: Do you have a minute?

Jan: ….

Raj: I wanted to go back to our conversation earlier today. When you asked me for the cost-analysis numbers, I told you that I didn’t have them yet. You had a strong reaction and you didn’t let me explain. I can see how my response set you off. But if you had let me finish, I would have told you that accounting had promised me to have them in my inbox by 3:00 pm. Here they are.

Jan: OK, yeah.

Raj: Jan, you need to know how much I care about this department and this organization. I really want the cost project to succeed. You don’t have to worry about me not doing my job. I always give 100%. Next time, if you would let me finish, I will explain to you when things will be ready.

Jan: Good, let me see those numbers.

The soothe strategy is short and sweet, and allows you to take a calm approach to soothe your boss’ anxiety. It is extremely exhausting and require a lot of patience. But it may not always work.

Strategy #2: Reverse Threat

This strategy requires a lot of courage on your part, because it requires you to threaten your abrasive boss to abandon her behavior. When she treats you badly, you stand your ground and respond with a threat of your own. Here are some things you can say to him in return:

“You know what Ralph, I am not going to tolerate you yelling at me like this. If you keep it up, I am going to take it up to HR or someone high up the chain.”

“I don’t appreciate being treated badly. I know that by yelling at me you think that you are making me work harder, but that always has the reverse effect on me. I will not put up with it.”

It is very important to remain calm and collected when threatening back- you want the boss to see your logic, not your rage.

Putting it All Together

If you work for a jerk, there are two strategies that you can use to improve the situation. First, apply the soothe strategy with your boss until he stops treating you badly. If that doesn’t work, you can try the reverse threat strategy. If neither one of these strategies work and no one in the organization cares, it may be time to start updating your resume. This is not the culture you want to work in.

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Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Professional Speaker, Executive Coach and an expert on Leadership, Humility & Ambition, Assuming Positive Intent, Psychological Safety & Accountability, Growth Mindsets & Resilience.