Consider this situation: You are boarding a fight with unassigned seats. You overhear the flight crew saying that there will be some empty seats on the plane. You hurry down the aisle and find yourself a nice window seat. You sit down and you put your briefcase on the seat next to you and spread your newspaper as wide as you can. The message that you want to send to all the other passengers: don’t you dare think about sitting here! The minute that you decided that you wanted to keep the seat next to you for yourself, you prioritized your own comfort and convenience over that of the other passengers. As they were walking down the aisle towards you, you stopped seeing them as human beings. You were seeing them as objects or threats.
Now consider this other situation: You are on a flight where the seats are pre-assigned. You find your aisle seat and start making yourself comfortable. You notice a couple boarding the plane. The woman sits in a middle seat at the front of the plane, and the man makes his way towards the end of the plane and motions to you that his seat is next to you. His wife looks back at him with a look of slight sadness. You decide to offer your seat to them and go to switch your seat with his wife. The minute that you decided to engage in this small act of sacrifice, you saw the couple as human beings, with needs and wants and preferences that are as important to yours. You didn’t see them as objects or threats.
These two scenarios are described in the book “Leadership and Self-Deception” by the Arbinger Institute. Several leaders have mentioned this book to me as one that have had a deep influence on them and their careers, so I decided to check it out. In the first situation, when we see other people as objects that are in our way, the book calls this as being “inside the box.” The reason it is called that is because we can’t see that we have a problem. When you were trying to protect the seat next to you, you were not aware of your own thinking and behavior. In fact, you were trying to justify your behavior to yourself. You may have thoughts to yourself “I need the extra seat because I’ve had a long week” or “most of these other people are travelling for fun, I have work to do and I need to be comfortable.” In the second situation, when we decide to see people as humans like us, we are “outside the box” because we honor the feelings inside of us and engage in kind behaviors.
How do people get in the box in the first place? The book explains that “self-betrayal” is the main act by which we enter the box. Self-betrayal is an act contrary to what we feel we should do for another person. For example, if a colleague needs help with a tight-deadline project, and you see him struggling, your first thought maybe “I should go and help him.” But then you look at your watch and realize that it is already 5:30 pm. You remind yourself that you are very tired and that you have to pick up the dry cleaning on your way home. You start thinking of reasons not to help your colleague and finally decide to just grab your coat and leave the office.
When we engage in self-betrayal, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal. Our view of reality may also become distorted. Your colleague is smart and hard-working, but in that moment you start saying to yourself “why didn’t he work on this earlier? He is so lazy!” or “if he was a bit smarter he could figure this out on his own.” When we betray ourselves in that way, we enter the box and may spend all our career inside of it.
The reason why this is important for leaders is because when they are in the box, their influence on others is greatly diminished. “In the box” behavior on your part leads to others behaving in a similar ways towards you, which results in lack of trust, poor teamwork and increased stress and conflict.
To get out of the box, whether at work or in life, the authors argue that we need to change the way we think about others: we need to see them as human beings, and we need to feel their needs, wants, and preferences. In my recently published book “Intangibles,” I show evidence supporting the importance of compassion as a leadership trait. Compassion allows leaders to stop thinking of themselves as the centers of the universe, and to consider those that work with them and for them when making decisions. Compassion has three components: a cognitive component that says to the other “I understand you;” an affective component that says “I feel for you;” and a motivational component that says “I want to help you.”
Putting it All Together
As leaders, when we see other people as objects or threats, we become trapped “inside the box” and engage in distrusting behavior that leads to poor teamwork, increased stress and conflict. When we decide to see people as humans, we let ourselves “outside the box.” An important ingredient for making that transition is having feelings of compassion for others.
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Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Professional Speaker, Executive Coach and an expert on Leadership, Humility & Ambition, Assuming Positive Intent, Psychological Safety & Accountability, Growth Mindsets & Resilience.
