Michelle had been waiting for this promotion for a long time. A hard-working, intelligent and ambitious administrator at a large hospital system in the upper Midwest, she believed that she had done everything she could to earn the title of Vice President. One afternoon, her boss called her to his office to deliver the shocking the news: they were “going with someone else,” and they were counting on her to help him succeed in his new position. Michelle was shocked. As her boss explained the reasons and the implications of the decision, she wasn’t listening anymore. The only thing on her mind was: “Whatever you do, don’t cry in front of him!” She clenched her fists and put on her poker face. When the meeting was finally over, she rushed to her office, locked the door, and started to sob uncontrollably.

“Why was it so important for you not to cry in front of your boss?” I asked Michelle in our coaching conversation last month. She took a deep breath and said: “Ever since I was a young administrator, I was always told not to cry at work, because when you cry, you give away power. It is very important for me to maintain my executive presence in all situations. And shedding tears in front of your boss, regardless of how frustrated you are, is not exactly what you call executive-type behavior!” While Michelle was proud of herself for keeping her emotions in check, I wondered as I listened to her how crying at work is related to important characteristics that we bestow on successful leaders such as executive presence and emotional intelligence.

The issue of crying at work is always sensitive to discuss because many women see the negative attitude towards it as a hidden way of discriminating against them. It is no secret that women cry more than men, whether in general or at work. Science suggests that women’s tear ducts are anatomically different from men’s, which implies that they have naturally more tears. When most men cry, very few tears fall down their cheeks. On average, women cry about 5.3 times per month, whereas men cry about 1.4 times. And according to research published in the book It’s Always Personal, about 41% of women report having cried at work at least once, compared with only 9% of men. It is also important to note that women feel much more guilt and shame after crying at work than men do.

Some experts agree with Michelle’s take on crying at work. For example, Sylvia Ann Hewlett, founder and CEO of the Center for Talent Innovation and author of the insightful book Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success, notes that “executive presence is signaling to the world that you have what it takes- that you’re leadership material. Senior leaders consistently report that crying detracts from one’s executive presence, which rests on three pillars: gravitas (how you act), communication (how you speak) and appearance (how you look). Crying, I found in my research, is just one of a menu of communication blunders that, in a mere instant, can suck the executive presence right out of you.” Similarly, Mika Brzezinski, the co-host of “Morning Joe” on MSNBC told this story: “I cried when I was fired from CBS, right there in front of the president of CBS News. It was a mixture of shock and deep sadness, because I loved working there so much and I was also full of feelings about disappointing my family- especially my two young girls. But there was no place for those tears in that moment. If anything, when you cry, you give away power. When you are in control of your emotions, you are communicating that you are in control. Being in control of your emotions gives you much more power at work … much more control over any situation … and much more dignity. I suggest never, ever, ever crying at work.”

The underlying assumption for these arguments is that crying is not compatible with emotional intelligence (EQ). Emotional Intelligence consists of five main aspects: self-perception, self-expression, interpersonal relationships, decision-making and stress management. Under self-perception, emotional self-awareness refers to recognizing and understanding one’s own emotions. This includes “the ability to differentiate between subtleties in one’s own emotions while understanding the cause of these emotions and the impact they have on one’s own thoughts and actions and those of others.” Self-expression includes emotional expression which means the ability to ”openly expressing one’s feelings verbally and non-verbally.” However, emotional intelligence also includes decision-making, which consists of impulse control, or the “the ability to resist or delay an impulse, drive or temptation to act and involves avoiding rash behaviors and decision making.” Similarly, it includes stress management which encompasses stress tolerance or the ability “to cope with stressful or difficult situations and believing that one can manage or influence situations in a positive manner.” So on the one hand, understanding and expressing one’s emotions at work is a positive thing. If we think of frustration or disappointment as an important emotion in the workplace, emotionally intelligent leaders recognize when they are experiencing these feelings and communicate them to others. However, they are also able to control their impulses and to deal with stressful situations in a regulated way, which does not include weeping in your boss’ office.

But what about Sheryl Sanderg, you might ask? Sandberg, the successful Facebook executive and the new defender of women rights at work, admits to crying at work. In one interview, she confessed: “I cry at work. I can’t be one type of person Monday through Friday and then a different person in the nights and weekend. I think we are all of us emotional beings and it’s okay for us to share that emotion at work.” After the death of her husband, Sandberg found comfort in grieving publicly with her fellow executives and staff, and did not hide her tears from them. But it is important to note that when she did that, she was already a successful and respected executive who had proven herself. Whether it is fair or not, young leaders, female or male, are not always afforded the chance to express their emotions and cry at work.

In a recent article in Inc. Magazine, the following clear advice is offered for all of types of leaders:

• “When your boss criticizes your work, don’t cry.
• When your co-worker gets the big project you wanted and think you’ve earned, don’t cry.
• When you get told you’ve done something wrong and have to re-do weeks worth of work, don’t cry.
• When you make a presentation and it falls flat, don’t cry.
• When you make a suggestion in a meeting and someone tells you that was the stupidest idea ever, don’t cry.”

Putting it All Together

While a natural human emotional reaction, crying at work is still frowned upon and considered at odds with high emotional intelligence and executive presence. Whether you are a woman or a man, most people will interpret your crying at work as a sign of weakness and that you don’t have to what it takes to succeed as a leader.

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Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Professional Speaker, Executive Coach and an expert on Leadership, Humility & Ambition, Assuming Positive Intent, Psychological Safety & Accountability, Growth Mindsets & Resilience.