In a previous article, I talked about the importance of leaders asking their team members more questions and giving less advice. But questions are not just important when we are dealing with others; the questions that we ask ourselves can also have a major impact on how we view ourselves and the world around us, and how we subsequently behave. An example is how nomadic people used to ask themselves “how can we get to the water?” and as a result kept on moving from place to place to find water. Only when they asked themselves a different question- “How can we bring water to us?”- did they stop moving and settle down.

Some leaders with low emotional intelligence are too self-centered, and are constantly judging themselves and others. They tend to ask questions such as:

• What is wrong with everyone?
• What did I do to deserve this?
• Why me? Why now?
• Why is everyone here such as loser?
• Whose fault it is?
• What is wrong with me?
• Why am I such a failure?
• Why is everybody so stupid?
• Haven’t we already been there, done that?
• Why bother? How can I prove I am right?
• How can this become a problem?
• How can I be in control?

This “judger” mindset causes leaders to be reactive and self-righteous, appear as a know-it-all and be seen as inflexible. They tend to have a selfish perspective and think only of limited possibilities.

We all have a “judger” mindset inside of us, and it occasionally rears its ugly head out. But leaders who aspire to build high-performing teams should avoid getting stuck “judger” mode, and instead should ask themselves questions that will help them transition into “learner” mode. When a highly intelligent leader finds himself having trouble with his boss, peers and subordinates, most often the reason is that he asking himself the wrong questions. With the help of an executive coach, he can start building his emotional intelligence and thinking about situations differently. For example, the coach can ask:

“How else can you think about this?”

“What assumptions are you making?”

“What are the consequences?”

Once the leader accurately observes herself and make the decision to switch from judging to learning, she can become more accepting of herself and others, thoughtful, responsive, curious, and flexible. Once in that mode, her emotional intelligence improves and she starts considering the perspective of others. Her questions will change to:

• What am I responsible for?
• What do I want?
• What can I learn?
• What are the facts?
• What is useful about this?
• What is the other person thinking, feeling or wanting?
• What is the big picture?
• What works?
• What is possible?

In this new mindset, the leader can also build a team of “learners” around her by constantly asking: what do I appreciate about them? What are the best strengths of each of them? How can I help them collaborate most productively? How can we stay on the learner path together?

Putting it all together

Every question opens a door and a question not asked is a door not opened. High-performing leaders should accept the judger in them, but should work on constantly practicing being a learner by asking themselves questions that keep them inquisitive, open and flexible.

The questions highlighted above are based in part on the book “Change your Questions, Change your Life” by Marilee Adams.

————————————————————————————————————-
Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Professional Speaker, Executive Coach and an expert on Leadership, Humility & Ambition, Assuming Positive Intent, Psychological Safety & Accountability, Growth Mindsets & Resilience.