It is no secret that Millennials (people born 1980-1999) are perceived as entitled narcissists. Most of their bosses and co-workers believe that they ask for perks before they have earned them, act like spoiled kids, and think they know everything. In job interviews for example, Millennials typically ask about what the company can do for them, rather than talk about what they can do for the company.

Part of the reason why they might think that they are the center of the universe is that their parents, teachers and coaches have always focused on making them feel good about themselves and building their self-esteem. They told them: “Whatever you think, say or do, that’s okay. Your feelings are true.” As part of this positive tolerance they created the thinking that “we are all winners.” For most Millennial children, just showing up for the game was celebrated. The evidence also shows that grades in schools and colleges have been inflated for Millennials. In the past, “A”s were given for achieving, now they seem to be given for attempting. Recent studies of college students reveal that 30-40% of respondents expected to get a “B” just for attending lectures and completing the readings.

But wait a minute: who are those parents, teachers and coaches? They are the same people (i.e., Baby Boomers and Generation Xers) who complain about Millennials’ behavior at work! Given that we raised this generation on soccer games where everyone was a winner, seventh place trophies and A’s for everyone, it is any surprising that they expect the same recognition at work?

It is very important to remember that Millennials work very hard to achieve their goals. They have been refining their resumes since they were practically little children. Most of them study hard and get involved in numerous extracurricular activities so they can get into the top universities. After graduation, they want to get promoted fast or get accepted into graduate school. Somewhere in that fierce competition, they start believing they have already achieved a lot and that’s when older generations start perceiving them as arrogant.

In order to get ahead, Millennials get involved in numerous organizations during their high school and college years, and have numerous opportunities to lead others. In those organizations as well as at home, work is assigned based on skills, not seniority. When they start working, Millennials are mystified when they are not given the lead on a certain project for which they believe they have the better skills. They don’t understand some companies’ requirements that you need to have seniority or experience before you can lead others. Because their parents treated them as equals, involved them in everything, and encouraged them to speak up their minds, they expect the same from their bosses at work. “Millennials have been conditioned to expect acknowledgement and appreciation all the time, and it can be exhausting to keep up with that expectation…” writes Lee Caraher in Millennials & Management. In the workplace, it appears that Millennials want constant recognition for what managers from other generations consider regular work.

Amelie Karam, an expert on Millennial issues and a Millennial herself, argues that the notion of self-absorbed Millennials is largely a stereotype. She offers a different perspective: “We were raised by parents and teachers that focused on us as individuals, that made us feel special. As a result, we believe that we are special, but also that every person is special. Everyone is unique, and we accept their point of view. This is not arrogance, it is just a different take on humility.” According to this view, Millennials are not arrogant in the sense that they think they are better than everyone else. Rather, they truly believe that they bring special skills and capabilities to the table, and so does everyone else.

How does this affect the leadership styles of Millennials once they are in authority positions? A good place to start is to understand what they want from their bosses. Millennials seek leaders who will help them navigate their career paths, give them straight feedback, are comfortable with flexible schedules, sponsor them for development programs, and mentor and coach them. What many Millennials’ really want is what experts refer to as an in loco parentis boss- a Latin term that means “in the place of a parent.” They want their boss to show them that she cares about them, just like their parents did. Amelie agrees with this notion and notes that Millennial don’t want to be CEOs tomorrow because they know that they are not ready. In her research, she has found that about 80% of Millennials prefer to gradually step into a leadership role vs. moving immediately into one. What they want is to be mentored and guided by their bosses in order to prepare themselves for the upcoming challenges in their careers. “They don’t want it to be handed to them, they want to work hard to get it, but they need support along the way,” she explains.

Putting it All Together 

Millennials are perceived as entitled narcissists by the same parents, teachers and coaches who told them over and over that they are unique and special. To move beyond the stereotypes, we need a better understanding of how Millennials think and what their preferred leadership styles are.

This article is adapted from my book “Intangibles: The Unexpected Traits of High-Performing Healthcare Leaders”.

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Dr. Amer Kaissi is a Professional Speaker, Executive Coach and an expert on Leadership, Humility & Ambition, Assuming Positive Intent, Psychological Safety & Accountability, Growth Mindsets & Resilience.